Hello to All,
I haven’t written in a while. Honestly, I’ve been lazy and unmotivated. I’m also in a treatment slump. I’m backing off treatment for a while to enjoy summer. It’s nice not to feel awful from the herx reactions, but I’m also not making much progress, either. I’m just back to feeling intermittently crummy and decent in daily/weekly cycles.
I’ve been thinking lately about what this disease has done to my life. I stopped working full time almost three years ago. I’ve done intermittent contract work, but even that was quite challenging. My problems are mainly neurological: chronic headaches, dizziness/vertigo, balance problems, insomnia, cognitive problems, depression, and anxiety. I’m one of those people who doesn’t look sick. This is a double edged sword. It’s nice to look good, but most people don’t see that I’m ill, so they don’t take it seriously. I’ve only begun to take my condition seriously since my diagnosis in October of 2011.
Neuro problems make it hard to work on a computer for any length of time. It’s difficult to focus on anything, for that matter. I exist in a fog; conscious, but disconnected from the world. My days consist mainly of puttering around the house alone with minimal productivity. Even on days with low pain levels, I have little energy or motivation. My brain feels gummed up. I have memory problems, and my skills have gotten rusty. I simply cannot function at the high level I used to 7 – 10 years ago.
When I started feeling better last year I tried doing some of the things I used to do, both personally and professionally. I tried making some art. I soon realized that my muscle memory had faded along with my technical skills. I struggled with project management, technical writing, and editing. This was very upsetting to me. I now realize that I can’t just pick up where I left off. I need rehabilitation and remediation to rebuild my skills on many levels. I need to take classes or find mentorship to accomplish this. Unfortunately, I have little money for these things now, so I’m not sure how to go about it. I feel stuck. But at least I now accept the reality of my situation.
Some of you are probably familiar with the Stages of Change Model developed by Prochaska & DiClemente in 1983. The stages discussed in their change theory are:
- Precontempation (not yet realizing the need for change)
- Contemplation (acceptance but not ready yet)
- Preparation (develop a plan of action)
Whenever I feel stuck, I find this model useful to get me moving. I’m in the Contemplation stage for this particular issue. I know what I need to do, but have not yet figured out how to go about it. I also have a ways to go for medical treatment, so I don’t want to be too hard on myself. The fact is, I have a sludge of infection and toxicity affecting my brain. But I’m growing impatient! I’m tired of existing in an unmotivated, unproductive fog. I have a good brain and I want to use it to its fullest capacity.
To tease the problem apart further, my treatment is stuck because of poor detoxification ability (confirmed by genetic testing). If I can figure out how to process out the toxins released by dying microbes, I can progress further. This is my next plan of attack.
One of the things I love about writing is how it helps me to solve problems. I may feel lost when I start writing, but I usually end up with a plan!